So I just wanted to let you guys know that I feel better now and my temporary depression from the other night has passed and I really am excited to face the unknown that is my future.

I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this...

I feel like someone has hit the fast forward button on my life. I can't catch my breath, everything is moving so quickly. Do you ever look at who you were as a person and who you have become? Is it who you planned to be?

I can 100% with all I have tell you that I know this is not where I imagined I would be. I never expected to be 18 with a full time job at a hospital about to go off to Mizzou to study Poly-Sci. A year ago I thought I would be working at a summer camp, preparing to go to KU as a dance major. I thought performing was what I would spend my life doing. It was my passion. I thought I would spend my summer putting all of my energy into serving God, not making money.

But there is another thing I didn't expect. Something that felt just impossible. I never dreamed that I would be 18, single, clueless who my biological family is, and scared to death. I never thought I would feel so alone. I never thought I would ever allow myself to become this damaged. I never understood why people were so bitter. I never understood how people could hate living. I never understood how people could be so afraid to go after what they want. But now here I am. I don't believe in love, somedays I can't get out of bed and face the day, and I am scared to death that I will fail at everything I do.

I used to be this confident, happy, fearless person. No one was going to break me. I was a rock. I was there to support others. I was there to be strong. I didn't need the comfort of others. I cried only when there was a reason. I didn't carry around anger. I was forgiving.

I am lost. I am broken. I am scared. I am angry.

I want to be happy again. I am tired of putting so much effort into my smiles. I am tired of hiding my tears. I don't want to be afraid of commitment. I want to believe that love can be found. I want to be fearless again.

But I am fearful...and that scares me...

"I guess I'm just a a sucker for love...."

I keep telling myself I am a strong, independent woman and I don't need a man to complete me; but I really want to be in a relationship. I just am so incredibly tired of feeling so lonely. Sometimes I feel so lonely my entire body just aches.

I watch romantic movies and I wish with everything I have that I could live my own movie romance. I want to be swept of my feet. I want to fall so completely and totally in love. I want to know someone who I trust with any and every thing. I am so sick of living vicariously through Serena's ((Gossip Girl)) love life.

I know I am still in high school and I have plenty (and I do mean PLENNNNTTYY) of time to find my 'soul mate', if those even exist, I just want someone to fill the empty for right now. Which might be shallow or something but the heart wants what the heart wants and this is what my heart wants.

I guess I just want to feel like I am good enough for someone. I know I shouldn't belittle myself so low that I need the reassurance of a teenage guy that I am worth love, but I somehow always end back in this square. Lonely and restless and impatient. 

I just am tired of sitting home writing on my blog or tweeting or repining on pinterest, or Facebook stalking. I want to go out on a date. a real, old fashioned date. Where the guy picks you up and pays and opens doors and says you look nice and walks you to the door at the end of the night and kisses your cheek or forehead because first date kisses are tacky.

Basically, I'm hopelessly caught up in this fantasy that will probably never come true. All I have to look forward to and grasp onto is the hope that I will meet someone at Mizzou next year.

For now I will continue to watch The Last Song every friday night while stuffing my face with cookie dough ice-cream and dreaming of the perfect guy.

<3 Jessie

Friendship.

Today I was thinking about friendships. How a lot of the friendships I've had in my lifetime have fallen apart. I wondered if I was doing it wrong or maybe just expecting to much. I decided to look up the official Webster definition. When that definition didn't satisfy me, I decided to see what Urban Dictionary thought. While both said things along the lines of "there when you need them" "a person you can trust" "someone you do all your crazy shit with" Not one definition I looked at said anything about being there FOREVER. Loving you NO MATTER WHAT.

Why is that? Is the human race so incredibly selfish that we can't 100% truly love someone unconditionally. Where no matter what happens, you are still friends. No matter how much someone messes up, forgiveness is always there.

I lost a really good friend last fall. I'm not even for sure what happened. All I know is I used to tell this person EVERYTHING, now we don't even say hi when we pass each other in the hallway. I used to call this person in the middle of the night whenever I needed someone to talk to. Everything that Webster and Urban Dictionary defined friend as, we were. I miss that friendship so much.

If that person ever reads this. I am so extremely sorry. I know I hurt you to. I understand that we will probably never be best friends again. I understand that we've lost that. I am so sorry. I wish more than anything that I could change this fact, but right now, with the current situation, that will probably not happen. I know you will do big things with your life. You will succeed in anything you set out to do. You are so talented and so driven to succeed and it inspires me so much. I love you and care about you.

<3