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Sunday, July 1, 2012

I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this...

I feel like someone has hit the fast forward button on my life. I can't catch my breath, everything is moving so quickly. Do you ever look at who you were as a person and who you have become? Is it who you planned to be?

I can 100% with all I have tell you that I know this is not where I imagined I would be. I never expected to be 18 with a full time job at a hospital about to go off to Mizzou to study Poly-Sci. A year ago I thought I would be working at a summer camp, preparing to go to KU as a dance major. I thought performing was what I would spend my life doing. It was my passion. I thought I would spend my summer putting all of my energy into serving God, not making money.

But there is another thing I didn't expect. Something that felt just impossible. I never dreamed that I would be 18, single, clueless who my biological family is, and scared to death. I never thought I would feel so alone. I never thought I would ever allow myself to become this damaged. I never understood why people were so bitter. I never understood how people could hate living. I never understood how people could be so afraid to go after what they want. But now here I am. I don't believe in love, somedays I can't get out of bed and face the day, and I am scared to death that I will fail at everything I do.

I used to be this confident, happy, fearless person. No one was going to break me. I was a rock. I was there to support others. I was there to be strong. I didn't need the comfort of others. I cried only when there was a reason. I didn't carry around anger. I was forgiving.

I am lost. I am broken. I am scared. I am angry.

I want to be happy again. I am tired of putting so much effort into my smiles. I am tired of hiding my tears. I don't want to be afraid of commitment. I want to believe that love can be found. I want to be fearless again.

But I am fearful...and that scares me...

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