So I just wanted to let you guys know that I feel better now and my temporary depression from the other night has passed and I really am excited to face the unknown that is my future.

I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this...

I feel like someone has hit the fast forward button on my life. I can't catch my breath, everything is moving so quickly. Do you ever look at who you were as a person and who you have become? Is it who you planned to be?

I can 100% with all I have tell you that I know this is not where I imagined I would be. I never expected to be 18 with a full time job at a hospital about to go off to Mizzou to study Poly-Sci. A year ago I thought I would be working at a summer camp, preparing to go to KU as a dance major. I thought performing was what I would spend my life doing. It was my passion. I thought I would spend my summer putting all of my energy into serving God, not making money.

But there is another thing I didn't expect. Something that felt just impossible. I never dreamed that I would be 18, single, clueless who my biological family is, and scared to death. I never thought I would feel so alone. I never thought I would ever allow myself to become this damaged. I never understood why people were so bitter. I never understood how people could hate living. I never understood how people could be so afraid to go after what they want. But now here I am. I don't believe in love, somedays I can't get out of bed and face the day, and I am scared to death that I will fail at everything I do.

I used to be this confident, happy, fearless person. No one was going to break me. I was a rock. I was there to support others. I was there to be strong. I didn't need the comfort of others. I cried only when there was a reason. I didn't carry around anger. I was forgiving.

I am lost. I am broken. I am scared. I am angry.

I want to be happy again. I am tired of putting so much effort into my smiles. I am tired of hiding my tears. I don't want to be afraid of commitment. I want to believe that love can be found. I want to be fearless again.

But I am fearful...and that scares me...

"I guess I'm just a a sucker for love...."

I keep telling myself I am a strong, independent woman and I don't need a man to complete me; but I really want to be in a relationship. I just am so incredibly tired of feeling so lonely. Sometimes I feel so lonely my entire body just aches.

I watch romantic movies and I wish with everything I have that I could live my own movie romance. I want to be swept of my feet. I want to fall so completely and totally in love. I want to know someone who I trust with any and every thing. I am so sick of living vicariously through Serena's ((Gossip Girl)) love life.

I know I am still in high school and I have plenty (and I do mean PLENNNNTTYY) of time to find my 'soul mate', if those even exist, I just want someone to fill the empty for right now. Which might be shallow or something but the heart wants what the heart wants and this is what my heart wants.

I guess I just want to feel like I am good enough for someone. I know I shouldn't belittle myself so low that I need the reassurance of a teenage guy that I am worth love, but I somehow always end back in this square. Lonely and restless and impatient. 

I just am tired of sitting home writing on my blog or tweeting or repining on pinterest, or Facebook stalking. I want to go out on a date. a real, old fashioned date. Where the guy picks you up and pays and opens doors and says you look nice and walks you to the door at the end of the night and kisses your cheek or forehead because first date kisses are tacky.

Basically, I'm hopelessly caught up in this fantasy that will probably never come true. All I have to look forward to and grasp onto is the hope that I will meet someone at Mizzou next year.

For now I will continue to watch The Last Song every friday night while stuffing my face with cookie dough ice-cream and dreaming of the perfect guy.

<3 Jessie

Friendship.

Today I was thinking about friendships. How a lot of the friendships I've had in my lifetime have fallen apart. I wondered if I was doing it wrong or maybe just expecting to much. I decided to look up the official Webster definition. When that definition didn't satisfy me, I decided to see what Urban Dictionary thought. While both said things along the lines of "there when you need them" "a person you can trust" "someone you do all your crazy shit with" Not one definition I looked at said anything about being there FOREVER. Loving you NO MATTER WHAT.

Why is that? Is the human race so incredibly selfish that we can't 100% truly love someone unconditionally. Where no matter what happens, you are still friends. No matter how much someone messes up, forgiveness is always there.

I lost a really good friend last fall. I'm not even for sure what happened. All I know is I used to tell this person EVERYTHING, now we don't even say hi when we pass each other in the hallway. I used to call this person in the middle of the night whenever I needed someone to talk to. Everything that Webster and Urban Dictionary defined friend as, we were. I miss that friendship so much.

If that person ever reads this. I am so extremely sorry. I know I hurt you to. I understand that we will probably never be best friends again. I understand that we've lost that. I am so sorry. I wish more than anything that I could change this fact, but right now, with the current situation, that will probably not happen. I know you will do big things with your life. You will succeed in anything you set out to do. You are so talented and so driven to succeed and it inspires me so much. I love you and care about you.

<3

Time to catch up? Yes.

FINALLY blogging! I had a busy summer, folks. And now its October, so I suppose I have had a busy school year as well. I have been extremely blessed these past couple months and I just absolutely love my life. I am excited to share it with you!

Teen Staff at Youthfront Camp South! Spent 5 weeks there this summer, and then another weekend for rock the light!

Went to London!

Where the London Eye was just one of my many adventures!

Daddy surprised me with tickets to see Phantom!!! <3<3

I started my SENIOR YEAR! look at my doggy being all cute <3

Auditioned for my school musical! Yay chorus!

Had an awesome night at the Tiger Act lock in!

Got my senior pictures!

Went to homecoming!

Started reading Harry Potter for the first time. I'm already on book five!

Other things that happened that I just don't have picures from::

SAW MAROON 5 AND TRAIN IN CONCERT. and matt nathanson opened by serenading me with faster. :)

Went to worlds of fun during halloween for the first time!

Saw Les Mis, Chicago, Love Never Des, and Much Ado in London!

Started applying for colleges... scary.

Life is movig so fast, I can't keep up. I love who I am and whats been going on. I am excited to see what adventures await me!

so. my computer broke. not really sure the details. all i know is it got a virus. and now the hard drive is failing. whhhiiichhh means they are replacing it. which means everything ever saved on my computer is gone forever. joy.

but hey, i could be dead. trying to stay positive. welll, thats about it.

oh ya. be excited. cause when i get my computer back, look forward to posts about youthfront and london. p.s. i cant o the exclamation mark or caps from my phone. so ya, that sucks. haha kbye.

Deep Breath

Hello my blogging friends :)

So. its been awhile. Exactly a month actually. Thats weird. Anywho, I've been extremely busy this last month. Lets catch up.

ANNIE. That show was such a blessing. Such a life changing experience. I originally auditioned for it just as something to do to make the rest of the school year go faster. Deciding to do that show was the best decision I have ever made (other than being saved of course :)) I can not believe I did it. It is one of my biggest accomplishments I think. During our first Sunday show, I had an unexpected, unwelcome guest attend. When I found out he was in the audience, I lost it, the cast was there for me through that and with their help I was able to go out and perform the show! It was actually one of our better performances!

Easy Street <3

I had my dance show! We performed at The Lied Center at KU. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I am literally in love with that stage now. (Only a theatre kid would fall in love with a stage) It was so cool! I didn't know what to expect being in a "dance show" but I really enjoyed it. I WANNA DANCE FOREVER!

I had finals. BLEHHHHH. gross.

Tornado warnings during school, right after Joplin was hit bad. SCARY.

I had an amazing weekend with friends to start off summer.

And today, I went to the mall and fifty bajillion other places with my good friend DELANEY SOMMERS.

Now I get 4 days to rest up and relax before I leave to teenstaff at Youthfront on MONDAY! I am so stoked for this!!

friends.

This weekend has been one of the best weekends of my life. Starting with rehearsal on friday -> Daniel shaving his head friday night -> spending the night at Haley's with Sierra -> Going to US Toy to find Annie Wigs with Haley, Sierra, and Haley's mom -> going to A-Z and finding a buzz costume that would fit me (sadly I didn't have enough money for it. #ineedajob) -> going to Kathy's fundraiser recital -> thrift store shopping for old lady costumes -> going to Lowenstein and having a pizza picnic with tons of cool kids -> roxberry -> back to Lowenstein -> to Levi's trampoline -> senior day at youth. bittersweet -> buffy -> going to Haley's to watch a cool video she is making.


yep. you probably could care less about all the adventures I went on, but this is my blog and I feel like writing about them. so deal.

It was a very nice "de-stressing" weekend. (is that even a word? owell, youknowwhatImean)

This weekend felt so much like summer, it's depressing that I have to go back to school tomorrow. But, I don't have that much longer. This week is EOC's which I don't have to take but, because of them, my classes are longer, which means most of my teachers are just having us watch movies. Friday is Pop n' Jazz. Saturday is move in for Annie / my cousins fashion show in the evening. All next week is show week for Annie (stoked!!!!!!!!), then a week of hell, then finals week, THEN SUMMER!!

AND JUST A WEKK(ish) AFTER SCHOOL'S OUT IS YOUTHFRONT! I am so excited to teenstaff. and then teenstaff again, and then the lake (maybe) with friends, then camp at youthfront, then LONDON.


AHHHH life is just so good! :) I could just jump for joy!!




p.s. awkward double attitude leap. HA.







anyways. this weekend has just shown me how incredibly blessed I am. I throw myself a lot of pity parties, and I've had quite a few emotional break downs in the past few months. Starting last November, my life began to crumble apart. My friend once told me "When you have taken all you can bear and it feels like you can't keep fighting through and when you have hit rock bottom; that's when God has something truly amazing in store for you" I have grasped so hard to those words. They are my water floaties in this deep end of life's pool. Being with my friends this weekend has truly opened my eyes and shown me that I don't got it that bad. I've got it really good actually. :)


peace.love.friendship.

<3 Jessie

I am so incredibly stressed right now. My life has been on fast forward for the past month and looking forward into the coming months, it doesn't seem like it will slow down until July. Don't get me wrong, I love being busy. I can not handle not being busy, I go insane. I just wish all my busy was the fun kind of busy. Explanation: I wish I could just have the dance, theatre, and choir busy and skip the school busy. Since its getting down to the final days of school, the teachers have started going at a quicker pace so we can get everything done. Currently I have basically six papers to write all for the same class (I am taking a break from that writing to do this writing). All six of those are due tomorrow. I feel like I am not given the amount of time I would like to finish most the assignments given to me. Its not like its impossible to get it done, just that, having shortened periods of time to work on things stresses me out. And then on top of that, we only have three more rehearsals until my show moves into the theatre. I am so excited for show week, but also deathly afraid. This my first lead and I don't know what to expect. I am not worried about my lines or my choreography or lyrics. Those things come naturally to me. I am mostly worried about how tired I will be. I do not function well socially when I am low on sleep and stressed. Another thing that worries me is that I will be missing on of our final rehearsals at the church for a choir concert. Which stresses me. Also, with missing school two days for shows, I am worried about my grades., They aren't exactly where I want them right now. Once school is out I won't really be stressed anymore, just buy. from June 6- July 13th I am pretty much booked solid. I am teenstaffing at youthfront, camping at youthfront, possibly going to the lake for my friends birthday, and GOING TO LONDON! I am so excited for all of these things, but I am scared I will be missing out on summer here with friends. I've started to get my stress headaches and if I am not careful and try to calm myself down, they will very shortly turn into migraines. And those are not pleasant, especially not for busy people.

bleh, okay I am done rambling and venting.

<3 Jessie

"While I dance I can not judge, I can not hate,

I can not separate myself from life.

I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance."

- Hans Bos

The Secret Life of Bees.

I took this picture. I was pretty proud of myself. :)

Yesterday, I went outside and observed the bees. Aren't bees just the coolest thing ever?? At first I was really scared to get close. I didn't want to get stung! But once I loosened up and got close, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I love nature. (NO I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE GREEN FREAKS WHO HAS TO BUY EVERYTHING RECYCLED AND REUSABLE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. global warming will not effect us, if it is real, we have a pretty awesome God on our side to help us out.) However, I do recycle soda cans and paper. I should recycle plastic. I have some sort of irrational fear that our planet is going to end up like WALLE and we are all going to have to live on a big space ship in the outer realms of space where we all sit on hovercraft bed like things and eat and get fat. ANYWHO, back to the bees, watching them really made me think about how precise God is. And if he can give those bees such a tiny job that effects life on earth in such a big way, just think what he is calling us to do! Ans also, if he knew how greatly we would need those small creatures and he planned that so perfectly, why would we ever doubt his plans for us?

natalie rain pellow.

Okay, so my friend Natalie recently (as in like an hour ago) made her very first blog!! [[check it out here!]] and her first post was ALL ABOUT ME!!! So, I told her I would get on writing a post about her ASAP.

here goes:::

Natalie Rain Pellow is truly one of a kind. She is crazy, funny, insane, weird, gorgeous, small, caring, awkward, and so much more.

I love this girl more than a fat kid loves cheeseburgers.

We don't get to hang out as often as we'd like, but we always make the most of our time together. We go on dates and forget to order our lasagna without meat; we go dancing; we make crazy videos; we play pig, horse, and octopus; we watch movies; we sing until we realize our voices aren't our talent; we cuddle <3; we eat...A LOT!!! basically, it's a nonstop party when we are together.

We ARE going to one day open a dance studio. mark.my.words.

In about two-ish weeks, we are getting our noses pierced. shh. don't tell my director. He'd probably be pissed. I'm planning to cross that bridge when I get there. EH. pray I don't die.

My mom is afraid it will look tribal or something.



BUT I AM NOT STUPID. its going to be supa cute!!


okay so this isn't the best picture. but It will be small and attractive and awesome!!

I really want my belly button pierced. BUT my mom won't let me. and Frederick told me that is one of the most whore-like things a girl can do. Second to getting a tramp stamp. which I would never do, I want a tatoo on my foot though. This girl at my school has the coolest octopus ever and this other girl has a butterfly. SUPER CUTE!

but a tatoo is another thing my parents do not allow...hm.. o well, in a year I will be 18 and it will be my own decision. not theirs!!

so yep. sorry natalie, I got a little of subject,. BUTTTT i love you! hope you enjoyed my post <3

-willow

(p.s. willow is natalie's nickname for me, her name is buffy, and daniel is xander. SUPA CUTE RIGHT????)

hey all.

it's saturday, I absolutely love the weather today. TOO PERFECT. It's a good thing to, cause someone stole my sweater this morning at contest. guh. not a happy camper. They better be glad it wasn't cold and my sweater wasn't needed.


My friend Haley's mom (the one whose car I totaled) purchased a new car today. Female, blue, Murano. So that's exciting.

Speaking of the wreck. THE CROSSING GUARD LIED TO THE FREAKING COP. I was super pissed when I found out. guh.

anyways. I am moving on from this.

SO NATALIE JUST TOLD ME HER VERY FIRST BLOG POST IS GOING TO BE ABOUT ME!!!! I feel so cool <3


I have started using hearts more than smileys...which could be a problem when I start texting like that...and send guys the wrong message.

So,,,,prom is next weekend. buh. I really wish I was going. BUUTT. someone ruined THAT one. I'm not bitter or anything.

Is it lame how important prom is to me?? It's just one of those things I've always wanted to do.....

BIGGEST PET PEEVE:: hearing people gulp their water...chew ice....say "ahhhh" after taking a long drink...crumpling a water bottle.... I only say this because my father just came into the kitchen. where I am currently sitting and did all of those things and it really bothered me...MEN. what are they good for...you know that saying "can't live with em, can't live with out em." I am pretty sure I could live without this one....just saying...o god...now he is eating an apple....you know when you feed the buffalo...no? well there is a place in Lee's Summit where you can....well, they are quieter than he is...

um, I have currently had this feeling of rebellion festering within me. Teen Angst, man.

are you bored yet?? too bad. I'm still blogging. SUCKA.

I miss my car ://// I need out of my house, but the only way I can get out is if one of my parents take me somewhere. This sucks.....

OKAY well...I guess I'm done now....


BYE!!!

Do you ever go back and read your old journals?

*pause*

I DID NOT SAY DIARIES. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. DIARIES ARE FILLED WITH "BAH. THOMAS IS POOPCAKE. WHY DOESN'T HE NOTICE ME. BLAH BLAH BLAH." A JOURNAL IS WHERE YOU WRITE ABOUT REAL THINGS THAT MATTER, AND WHAT YOU ARE LEARNING AND DISCOVERING IN YOUR LIFE.

*unpause*

Cause I do. And let me just say, I feel really dumb, when I come across something that I learned and realize I have completely erased the entire concept from my memory. It's like, come on Jess! We have been through this before. You're asking all the same questions again that you already figured the answers out to.

Does this ever happen to you? Yes? No?

P.S. I have old "diaries" also. HA. Those are just down right embarrassing to read sometimes. I have "crushed" on the LAMEST guys. just saying. I mean, its bad, I'm pretty sure one of them has an almost unibrow. OH. Ha. funny story. Once, I walked in on one of the guys I used to have a major thing for while he was violently making out with his girlfriend.. talk about awkward.

Is it bad to fall for a guy who is taken? I seem to do that...A LOT. o well. I can't help it.

^^ I think I got off topic. But...I'm not sure, because I don't know if I really had a topic to begin with.

SPEAKING OF BOYS. Where have all the men in this world gone to? Seriously, I know absolutely no guys who are "crush" worthy at the current moment. Where is this cave they're all hiding out in? I need to find it!!

O hey, I just want to apologize for the unnecessary dramaticness I added into my last post. I was in a mood. Get over it.

I feel like I talk about pee to often. Literally. There are two subjects I don't go a day without talking about. Men && Pee. RIDICULOUS.

okay well. This post is going nowhere. THATS ALL FOLKS.

bye!!

let go. and let God.

Last Friday.

• wake up
• go to school
• districts for choir
• dinner with amazing people
• back to districts to watch daniel
• driving home

**BAM**

wrecked.

SCARED.

I was behind my friends mom. We were driving the speed limit. Not over, not under. I was a fair distance behind her. There was a good 1.5 cars length, if not more, between us. We were driving by Abundant Life. In case you don't know, they have extended parking across the street from the church. For safety reasons, they have crossing guards.

At night, the road is very poorly lit. All of a sudden. I see a man in the street in a bright orange vest with a flash light. My friends mom slams on her breaks to avoid hitting him. I do the same, but there was no way to stop in time.

I rear ended one of my best friends moms. HOW SUPER EMBARRASSING IS THAT? o well. could have been someone who would have been super pissed at me and started cussing me out.

Everything else seems a blur. I remember getting in Marta's van. and moving over to the parking lot. Someone also moved my car. We sat there, waiting for the police.

crying.

praying.

When the police got there, he asked all the basic information. I got my insurance card out.

3/24

it's the 25th.

Expired.

My parents were on their way by this point. I called to tell them the bad news. "I renewed it, the card is at home" my mom tells me. relief rushed through me.

The rest of the story is boring. Well except the fact that, I almost got a ride to the hospital in a big yellow ambulance. BBBUUTTT no worries, I didn't.

I now have a ticket, court date, broken car, drivers ed class I have to attend, head neck and back pain, and an order from my doctor not to attend dance for at least a week.

A lot has been taken away from me lately. All these things I thought I needed to bring me joy. Things I thought, I couldn't be happy without. Things I depended on to keep me afloat.

Now I realize, all I ever need is God. So here goes, taking that leap of faith (for the billionth time) and putting all my trust in Him. Which is not an easy thing for me, or anyone I suppose.

Currently, I'm sitting in class, waiting for school to begin. I decided to see if this mobile blogging thing actually works. So uh, that's about it!

Annie.

Ahhcakes. Guess what?!

I am in Annie with CYT.

I am so excited 1. because I didn't do CYT all winter and I thought I was going to murder a cat if I didn't do another show STAT. and b. because I got the part I wanted. I am Lily St. Regis. No one knows who that is, which I think is lame because you should just know these things. I don't feel like I need to explain this to you guys cause I am pretty sure only theatre nerds read my blog, BUT just incase I have a stalker, Lily is Rooster's girlfriend. If you don't know who Rooster is, well uh. Google it.

Hm, I really feel the need to blog about two things, but they shouldn't be posted on the internet I don't think. so ya. Just know that I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW SOMETHING. but I can't post it here because certain people would beat down my door with torches and those hay fork stick things.

This week was SPRING BREAK. It was basically one of the best weeks I have had in a LONNNGGG time. My friend natalie came and lived with me for awhile and it was super fun. On thursday, it was 83 outside. (I used to know how to do the degrees symbol on the computer. but I forgot. sad face.)

I made some super awesome pants. (p.s. that is a link to a pic. click and see my awesomeness.) and also a shirt (also a link)

Ya dude.

I watched HOT CHICK. Funniest. movie. ever. watch it!!

While Natalie was in town, we went to this place with a studio they let will let you dance in when there aren't classes going on. She taught me a dance she knew. I'm a bit iffy at it, but she rocked it! here it is. p.s it's sideways...sorry. I don't know how to fix it.

and yep that about sums it up for now.

see ya!

We Can Dance Around the Clouds Up Here.

Hello World.

Today, I had a dentist appointment. Gross. BUT, when I got home, my phone rang! I didn't recognize the number and I almost didn't pick up in fear that it would be some foreign man trying to sell me life insurance or something of that sort. I was brave and faced my fears though and answered the phone. OHEMGEE. It was my teen staff interview. After a semi-long (okay it was only like 8 minutes) interview, We decided (we being me and Sam) that the kitchen was the best fit for me. Dishes for week one and cook side for week two. CAN I JUST SAY I AM SO EXCITED?? My friend Haley doesn't like kitchen very much apparently, but I had a secret desire to be on that...team? so ya. Happy Day.


O YA AND ITS SPRING BREAK AND I AM HAVING THE BEST WEEK EVER AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY WOOOOO. :)

monday.

Monday, the day a lot of my friends are dreading, is almost here. I was dreading it. I mean it was depressing that I don't get to spend it with my boyfriend.

BUT then I thought, hey, I have been facing this day alone for years, why should it be any harder this year?

I have only ever had one other boyfriend actually on valentines day. And it was lame. His card sang to me. (I wasn't expecting it and I opened it up in the middle of class. It was embarrassing)

Besides, valentines chocolates are gross, so are the little candy hearts.

yep.

One time, My friend broke up with her boyfriend on Valentines Day....ouch.

My birthday is Valentines Day.

One time, courtwarming was on Valentines Day. I didn't have a date but I still went with the girls. They told all the guys to ask me to dance. Pity dances are not satisfying. Just saying. They are actually kind of humiliating and awkward. The guys obviously didn't want to.

yep. so I haven't really had great experiences with the day.

cept, last year cause this really great guy asked me to be his valentine. Well I did some major hinting that he should, but either way it happened. :)

we are valentines this year too :):):)

ki'mdonenow. bye.

boys.

why don't they understand that everything they say or do matters to girls in some way or another?